Things I am feeling at the current moment:
8. Like I want to throw a temper tantrum.
Yesterday was tough. I had a slight meltdown walking to the train. I woke up fine, got ready for work and the second I stepped out the door I realized I had to talk about it with my friends and the crocodile tears started flowing. I was literally talking out loud to myself like a crazy person:
Me: “Kelly Roberts you will not cry on the subway. Put on some Disney music and get it together.”
Me: “But I’m so sad. I just want to call into work, get on a plane and go to Disneyland! This is why I have a credit card!”
Me: “NO, go to work! You are fine. You just got broken up with but everything is going to be fine. I promise”
Me: “I know.”
Me: “I know you know.”
Literally, verbatim the conversation I had audibly with myself while I listened to the most self-deprecating song ON THE PLANET “Stay with me” by not John Legend. (Breakup tip #1: Don’t listen to sad breakup songs when you don’t want to cry.) But sometimes you just have to have a good cry. And feel sad. It’s ok to hurt and feel hopeless, it just sucks. But it doesn’t last, it recedes. You just have to weather the storm.
I don’t feel angry. Every single reaction from my family, friends, and from you wonderful strangers has been the same: “F*ck him.” And I kept saying, wait! No “f*ck him.” I mean yes, f*ck him for doing it in an email and not having an answer as to why he was doing it. That was not OK and any breakup that does not happen face to face is not OK. But I don’t want to be with someone who feels like he doesn’t want to be with me, as hard as that is to admit. I don’t want to say I’m grateful for it, because I’m not, I would much rather have worked out whatever doubts he was having, but it’s made the breakup a tiny bit easier not feeling any anger and resentment.
Break ups suck. I can’t stop thinking about not talking to him again or not laughing at his jokes. That is what hurts the most. Not being able to share things with him or sound things off of him. The familiarity and routine. And then I start to think about acclimating to going solo. And that sucks! It sucks to have to watch everyone happily in a relationship around you. It’s hard to think, “I had that and now I don’t and I don’t know why.” And then I think about having to eventually get back out there. But I’m getting ahead of myself. One day at a time. For now, the hardest part is adjusting. And the co-worker who comes around the corner with, “WHAT HAPPENED!? YOU WERE JUST TELLING ME HOW GREAT HE WAS!” I know, I know.
So, here’s to that. But remember the good far outweigh the bad when it comes to love. And the hurt is a necessary evil. It’s a part of the game. It doesn’t last forever. It lasts too long; I think we can all agree on that. But sometimes you have to hurt, and that’s OK, it just sucks. So here’s to keeping busy, allowing yourself to laugh, and taking a few extra adventures. Until tomorrow friends, I will be keeping my chin up, #RunSelfieRepeat.
PS: Thank you for the emails, messages, tweets, and Instagram comments. I wish I could send you all puppies.