It’s Ok to Hurt, It Just Sucks

Things I am feeling at the current moment:

1. Hurt.

2. Confused.

3. Anxious.

4. Sad.

5. Restless.

6. Dejected.

7. Stupid.

8. Like I want to throw a temper tantrum.

9. Pain.

10. Pessimistic.

Yesterday was tough.  I had a slight meltdown walking to the train. I woke up fine, got ready for work and the second I stepped out the door I realized I had to talk about it with my friends and the crocodile tears started flowing. I was literally talking out loud to myself like a crazy person:

Me: “Kelly Roberts you will not cry on the subway. Put on some Disney music and get it together.”

Me: “But I’m so sad. I just want to call into work, get on a plane and go to Disneyland! This is why I have a credit card!”

Me:  “NO, go to work! You are fine. You just got broken up with but everything is going to be fine. I promise”

Me: “I know.”

Me: “I know you know.”

Literally, verbatim the conversation I had audibly with myself while I listened to the most self-deprecating song ON THE PLANET “Stay with me” by not John Legend. (Breakup tip #1: Don’t listen to sad breakup songs when you don’t want to cry.) But sometimes you just have to have a good cry. And feel sad. It’s ok to hurt and feel hopeless, it just sucks. But it doesn’t last, it recedes. You just have to weather the storm.

I don’t feel angry. Every single reaction from my family, friends, and from you wonderful strangers has been the same: “F*ck him.” And I kept saying, wait! No “f*ck him.” I mean yes, f*ck him for doing it in an email and not having an answer as to why he was doing it. That was not OK and any breakup that does not happen face to face is not OK. But I don’t want to be with someone who feels like he doesn’t want to be with me, as hard as that is to admit. I don’t want to say I’m grateful for it, because I’m not,  I would much rather have worked out whatever doubts he was having, but it’s made the breakup a tiny bit easier not feeling any anger and resentment.

Break ups suck. I can’t stop thinking about not talking to him again or not laughing at his jokes. That is what hurts the most. Not being able to share things with him or sound things off of him. The familiarity and routine. And then I start to think about acclimating to going solo. And that sucks! It sucks to have to watch everyone happily in a relationship around you. It’s hard to think, “I had that and now I don’t and I don’t know why.” And then I think about having to eventually get back out there. But I’m getting ahead of myself. One day at a time. For now, the hardest part is adjusting. And the co-worker who comes around the corner with, “WHAT HAPPENED!? YOU WERE JUST TELLING ME HOW GREAT HE WAS!” I know, I know.  

So, here’s to that. But remember the good far outweigh the bad when it comes to love. And the hurt is a necessary evil. It’s a part of the game. It doesn’t last forever. It lasts too long; I think we can all agree on that. But sometimes you have to hurt, and that’s OK, it just sucks. So here’s to keeping busy, allowing yourself to laugh, and taking a few extra adventures. Until tomorrow friends, I will be keeping my chin up, #RunSelfieRepeat.

PS: Thank you for the emails, messages, tweets, and Instagram comments.  I wish I could send you all puppies.

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Kelly Roberts

It all started when a silly joke made headlines back in 2014 when I took selfies with hot guys “hottie hunting” my way through the New York City Half Marathon. But ironically enough, I haven't always been a runner. As the self-proclaimed former President of the "I f*cking hate running club", I spent most of my life finding ways to avoid physical activity. Growing up, I missed over 70 days of PE my senior year. Working out was something I thought I had to suffer through in order to lose weight. 

Then, in 2009, my younger brother passed away unexpectedly and struggling to manage my grief, I gained more than 75 pounds. With the weight gain came a new fight to regain my sense of self and learn to love the body I saw when I looked in the mirror. Then one Thanksgiving morning, drowning in grief and self doubt, I decided to go for a run. I didn't make it half way down my street before I had to stop to walk but for some reason, struggling forward made more sense than getting back into bed. It turns out that running is a lot like grief, neither ever really get easier, you just get stronger. 

Over time, I realized that while some people are in fact born runners, others are made. I created this blog Run, Selfie, Repeat and my new podcast by the same name with the hopes to inspire others to say yes to themselves while making them laugh hysterically because laughing, in my opinion, is the solution to everything. 

Named by Women's Running as one of twenty women who are changing the sport of running and by Competitor Magazine as one of 12 Influential and inspiring runners under 30, my mission is to inspire others to get embrace a healthy lifestyle and pursue the strongest version of themselves possible.