I don’t even know where to begin. December, in my personal opinion, is an overwhelming month. Why? Because every December the world decides to make lists and reflect on what they did and didn’t do the previous year, and resolve to do it differently the next one. PS who's idea was the whole "New Year New You!?!?!" You're stressing me out and you owe me an apology. I love and I hate New Year’s resolutions. I am a big fat fan of always bettering yourself. I love that moment when you figure out and can admit that you are motivated to be better. I’m sorry, excuse me, that’s a lie. I love looking back weeks or months after you decided to better yourself, when you are “better.” That moment’s fan-fucking-tastic! Getting there is really terrifying and hard.
I’ve had a really crazy year. Things I never imagined happening happened and I was put in a position I didn’t think I wanted to be in. I didn’t want to create a blog. I wanted to let everything blow over because I was terrified of trying to create something with the attention I was receiving from the NYC Half. I was (am) utterly terrified of embarrassing myself and putting myself out there only to be met by crickets or worse, pitchforks and torches. I didn’t want to admit that I wanted it and then crash and burn. Luckily my sister and one of my best friends Jason smacked me with some Oscar worthy motivational speeches, and stopped me from being lazy and holding myself back.
Why am I telling you this? Well last night my sister and I went to dinner and a show with two of the women who hold us together here in NYC Deb and Melissa and it rocked my world. Deb is our driven, smart, sweet, hilarious, and wickedly sharp NYC Mom and Melissa is one of those people you meet and you think holy hell how did I ever get to be so lucky to have someone as creative, funny, and selfless in my life? They both give great advice without telling me what to do and they are two of the people that I just can’t hide from. I’m a really good bullshitter. I got an undergraduate degree in becoming a professional and convincing bullshitter and if I am being 100% honest, the person I spend the most time bullshitting is myself.
I have a really hard time admitting I want something when I don’t know how to get it. It’s one of the reasons I’ve fallen in love with running. It’s black and white, if you want to run a marathon you just slowly run further and further. Then you run a marathon! It’s amazing how incredibly simple it is. Terrifying and difficult yes, but so utterly simple.
Last night we all got together for the first time in a month and a half and we did what we always do, we lay everything on the table. We unravel the good, the bad, and the unknown. Then Deb took us to see the most thought provoking piece of theater I have ever seen in my life, “The Curious Incident of the Dog In the Night-Time.” What a script. What a production! Honestly the staging of this show was so innovative; I am at a loss for words. But what was so powerful about this show, despite the spectacle of the production itself, was the story and the acting. Very rarely can you set such a complicated text into a technically advanced, borderline overwhelmingly stimulating world and still produce effective, simplicity that makes you think. I can’t say enough good things about this show. If you’re in London or NYC run, don’t walk, to see it. Or read the book I hear it’s equally incredible.
I don’t know if it was a combination of being with Deb, Melissa, and my sister and then seeing the show but I just took a step back and kind of realized I’m still holding myself back.
I’m starting to realize that I’ve bullshitted myself into “taking my time” and “seeing what happens” instead of admitting what I want and throwing myself into it completely. I’ve been doing the bare minimum which is the exact same thing as not trying. I am firm believer that the only way you can fail is if you don’t try. For me the scariest part that stops me dead in my tracks is just admitting that I want something or that I need to go after it.
But it’s just like what I’ve learned from training to run a marathon, you just have to bite the bullet, pull the trigger and ask for help. The next step is to simply hit the ground running. So that is what I did. Today I sent the emails that needed to be sent, I asked the people for help that I have been TERRIFIED to ask, and I finally admitted that I wasn’t going to wait anymore. I took the first step to getting out of my own damn way and start fighting.
So here’s to ending the year on an extremely fucking terrifying note and here’s to the fight that is only just beginning. Get ready because I just jumped off the cliff and you’re all coming with me.
Until tomorrow, #RunSelfieRepeat. (Anyone else's heart beating out of their chests? No? Just me? Groovy.)