Runners are a bunch of endorphin drunk liars. There, I said it. I have never in my life met a group of humans who lie more than runners do. It's really bad. So bad that I don't trust a damn word that comes out of anyone's mouth. AND CURVEBALL -- I'm the worst liar of them all! I am a f*cking liar. I HUGE F*CKING LIAR. AND I CAN'T HELP IT! I'm a big ol' liar liar spandex shorts on fire and my friends all let me get away with it because they're just as bad! Here are 7 lies all runners tell --
1. Where They Are.
"I'm 5 minutes away."
No you're not you liar, you're a mile away IF NOT two miles away. Don't lie to me.
"I'm a mile away but I'm running fast."
No you're not, you're probably walking as you typed that! Liar! Whenever any runner tells you how far away they are, just expect they are a good mile behind that. Runners have the worst sense of direction...(and they're calculating little liars...)
2. How Long Their Run Will Take.
I have a 13 mile long run tomorrow so I'll be home in about two hours."
Oh really? In what world is that accurate? So suddenly you're a speed racer and you're gonna throw in a personal best during your training run? Look we all know you want to get to brunch as soon as possible but don't make your friends get up earlier because you think you're fast as lightning. Let's make that a more accurate two and a half hours...shall we? (At this point my friends just add an extra hour to any time I throw out. THAT'S how bad I am...)
3. Pace and Perceived Effort Level.
Runners are always lying about their pace.
"Let's do a three mile easy run."
Really? Easy? This is your easy? Pushing 7:30 minute miles is easy for you? "Fast", "easy", and "short" have about 50 different definitions for runners. Slow your roll speed racers, if I say I'm going easy...I mean I want to run at a snail's pace.
4. Water Breaks.
"Can we stop at that water fountain up ahead?"
Oh you mean, "Can we walk to that water fountain up ahead?" Yeah I see right through you... (and yes, OBVIOUSLY I want to walk to that water fountain up ahead.)
5. How Far They Are Going To Go.
Whether it's a 6 mile long run that becomes a 2 mile "F*ck this I'm going home" run or a half marathon that becomes a marathon, runners really never know how far they are going to go. Why? Because they're a bunch of crazy liars.
6. "It Doesn't Hurt That Bad."
Raise your hand if you've uttered the phrase, "It's a pain but it's a 'dull' pain." The things we put ourselves through! (Disclaimer: Don't run through pain. Missing 1 run and figuring out what's going on is always smarter than injuring yourself further. Always.)
7. Taking Time Off.
I'm going to really take the time to recover after that (insert marathon or race here). No, no you're not you liar. I bet $100 you won't make it past a week. If a runner tells you they are going to "enjoy" their vacation or "take it easy" while they "recover" they are lying to you.
8. When They Tell You How Much Fun They Have.
I think once you become someone who runs frequently, you forget the difference between pain and fun. That or you just lose your damn mind and think pain is fun (which is actually fairly accurate now that I think about it). So never mind, this isn't an intentional lie, it's actually fun to kick your own ass.
(Wait was that 8? Sh*t...OK I LIED! 8 lies all runners tell...)
They may be a bunch of liars but I love them anyways!!! What are your favorite lies runners tell? Until next time, #RunSelfieRepeat.